In some parts of the country, this plant is called Spiderwort. Not the prettiest of names but it has a lovely little compact bloom of three petals with striking bright yellow little stamens atop a tubular stem that has horizontal wing-type leaves right close to the bloom. It grows in clumps and can be invasive so if you can contain it, or, if you want to pass around the beauty in your yard and half the neighborhood, you will have a lot of it in just a few years.
I have two colors; a deep periwinkle and a fuchsia. I saw the first blooms today on my walk-about. "Garden time" is think-time for me. Here are today's thoughts:
Two friends have lost their husbands this year and with that are a lot of tears. One husband's death was "expected", one was not. No matter how sick, the final goodbye is so, well, final. Grief work is work and it takes as long as it takes.
These women are strong in different ways and so they are processing and managing the grief when it comes. The thing they are most upset about is how everybody thinks (and freely mentions) that they should toss this thing or do/not do this thing and generally speaking, they should be done with their grieving, certainly within a year.
That's the thing though, in our culture, we expect people to be done with it in the requisite work-provided three days of bereavement pay and then, back to normal. That just is not how it works.
With one set of friends, the husband just lost his father. This is the first parent to die for both of them but they had the wisdom to just stay home and start metabolizing the loss.
Even if the tie to the parent came from abuse, there is still a reconciliation process with that along with the finality of death, when they die.
Like garden work, we can be an active participant in the grieving process, most of the time. I have found that the best way through it, is right through the mud. Trying to avoid the pain of grief only makes it last longer so when those minutes of loss hit you like a gut-kick, let them come, let the tears come, let it soak down into your heart. In a few minutes, it will pass.
If you are at work or a place that you cannot manage the moment, allow yourself an appointed time at the end of the day to just cry, or give into your own way of grieving. Some people journal or look at pictures.
"How long must this go on?" It just takes as long as it takes. The bigger the emotional investment and tie, the longer it will likely take. We even reach a point where logically, we wish we were done and the sadness would just STOP but, it does not. Grief has its own duration and momentum.
Though I would not equate the break up of a relationship the same as death of a spouse, it is a death, however. You are breaking, or the connection was broken for you, and it is final. You are not going to see that person again, or if you do, it is not going to be in the context of loving them and greeting them in a love relationship. You may not want it to be so, even if you are the "breaker" not the "break-ee". You wanted it to be something else than what it was but the more you stayed, the more you knew you had to go.
I am not an expert in gardening nor advice but I will suggest a few things that, like a few plants in my garden, have come from educated and licensed experts.
In managing death or a breakup, know that you are your own cavalry. You know better than anyone else what it is you need to sustain and nourish yourself.
Rest for the body, comfort for the soul, fuel to sustain you; eat even if you do not feel like it. Bathe, get up, make yourself connect with live people. Do not stay in seclusion day after day.
If it was a break up, realize that knowing whether to stay or go was a life-enhancing decision, not a failure. If you are in a good, loving, reciprocal relationship then time is irrelevant.
If the relationship is not good or not good for you and you know in your gut that you need to leave, you do not want to ignore yourself in knowing that it is time to go.
You are the primary sustainer of your future.
When I was younger, I was repeatedly willing to stay in bad relationships or, not metabolize my loss, not review my own ownership cabinet and would either jump to a new somebody right away, or, repeat my mistakes.
Take time to look at the man/woman in the mirror, own up to your part of the breakup and treasure the time you have to move on and make a new page in your life. My friend, Miss Peony (she is always very cheerful and a colorful woman, hardy; coming from good country stock), has a placard in her dining room that reads "Life is not a dress rehearsal"!! Amen to that!
The ship called Your Life has set sail and there is not another one to be launched. If you need someone to hear you, reach out and just say "I am having a bad day, can you listen?" Value your decision and the way you are taking care of yourself.
You are the only you in the universe.
I send gentle rain and plenty of sunshine for you and your garden. Be patient with yourself, give yourself credit. New growth *will* come.
